Dressing Up

So I've been starting to think that maybe I should dress up more, you know, start dressing older. Sometimes I feel like I dress like a slob most of the time, and rarely wear any pants other than jeans. Plus Philipp likes it when I dress up, so that's another reason for me to do so. However, today I'm wearing a button-up dress shirt and I'm totally uncomfortable. I'm so uncomfortable and angry about it that I just want to rip this shirt off, but I can't do that so I'll have to suffer through the rest of the day like this. I've had this shirt for who knows how long now. Months. And this is the first time I've worn it. I finally took the tag off of it this morning because I knew it had been so long since I bought it that I won't be able to return it. I'm not sure I'll ever like wearing button-up dress shirts. Sigh. Will I ever be sophisticated???

Newspapers

All I would like to say about newspapers is that I would be perfectly happy never seeing another one again, ever. Trying to find out advertising rates with various newpapers is making me want to pull my hair out.

Ok. So I've decided I should try to complain less. I know that makes what I just said about newspapers seem pretty ridiculous and counter productive, but I've been thinking about it the past couple of days, and I think I would like to take on a more thankful attitude. Besides, not very many people really enjoy hearing someone go on and on complaining about stuff. I get annoyed when someone complains too much, so I don't want to be like that. I want to be a more positive person :)

Just as an aside, I don't know very many people that I think complain too much, so don't read this and think I find you annoying, because I don't :)

A Few Thoughts

Well, it's been a while, and I have a few thoughts to share. The first one involves marriage: there's no room to think that maybe it won't work out and maybe it was a mistake. Don't let your relationship be the first thing to go on the chopping block just because you're not happy with your life.

Second, I am realizing that I am much more organized than some people, so that's something to be happy with myself about :) Not to knock those people who aren't as organized as I am. No one's perfect, and we have different strengths and weaknesses. It's important to recognize our own strengths and acknowledge the strengths of others, and think about how we can help one another.

Third, if it weren't for God I don't think I'd like where I would be. He saves me from so much, even when I don't realize that's what He's doing and think everything is going wrong. I am so thankful to Him for taking care of me, doing what's good for me even when I don't know what's good for me.

I guess that's it for now. I'm doing good and keeping busy as always :) I'll try to be better with posting, but I guess I can't make any promises :)

Birthday Week Continued :)

Here are some more pictures from the birthday week celebration fun :)

Philipp and Laura on a mission to take out DDR!

No, it's not a dance move, it's a professional bowling move :)

Birthday Week

Well, my 25th birthday has come and gone, and it was over a week of celebration :) I have to say that I think it was the best birthday I've ever had :) It probably had something to do with getting the best birthday present I've ever received (Philipp got me an iPod Nano!), but I think it had more to do with how valued Philipp and my friends and family made me feel. It started with my cousin treating me and Laura to hot wings on Sunday. Then Laura took me out for supper on Monday night; my sister (Kelly) took me out Tuesday night; Friday night Philipp surprised me by getting together some of my friends for supper and bowling; Saturday morning Philipp made me breakfast, and then in the evening when we were hanging out with some of my friends from church he brought out a birthday cake for me and everyone sang happy birthday; Sunday afternoon Mom and Dad had me and Laura over for turkey; this morning I got into the lab and found my office decorated with streamers and balloons, and they had hid chocolate everywhere, and then we went to my favourite restaurant (Khazana) for lunch (I ate so much!); and then this evening my friend treated me to a professional massage! All around, it was a very good birthday :) Anyway, those are some pictures of the festivities :)

Disappointment

I was disappointed today. I had a hair appointment scheduled for 6pm today, and I arrived to find that they had double-booked the hairdresser and I was being bumped. Blah. I HATE it when stuff like that happens, especially when it has to do with getting my hair cut. Once I get it into my head that I need a haircut, I lose any shred of patience I may have had. So I was pretty disappointed when they told me I'd have to reschedule, and pretty unimpressed. I tried to be as nice as I could about it, but I just couldn't hide my negative feelings about what was happening. I'm always like that when I get disappointed: I feel really upset and unable to hide it. So now I have to wait until tomorrow to get my hair cut :(

Sick.

Overexertion

Today I was very ambitious and showed up on campus at 7am to play badminton and then go swimming. This is a part of my desire/attempt to be more fit and healthy. I knew I was being pretty generous regarding my capabilities, but I was looking forward to it anyway, and it was good. My friend and I played badminton for about 35 minutes and then went swimming for around 20 minutes. This enabled me to see how out of shape I really am, because it was so hard on me that I ended up throwing up after taking a shower. I always throw up if I push myself too hard. However, now I feel pretty good, and I'm pretty proud of myself for doing it. Besides, it was nice not having to wait forever for a badminton court. At 7:15am no one was there. I liked it :) I think I'm going to need a massage though; I'm feeling pretty sore :P

Wedding Disasters

It seems every time I dream about my wedding it goes horribly wrong. Last night was no exception. I had this horrible dream that my wedding dress was ugly, Philipp wasn't even dressed up at all, most people left before the ceremony began, those who were left talked so loudly that I couldn't hear the minister, my dad forgot to walk me down the aisle, everyone ignored me, and I couldn't figure out how to sign the marriage license. Sick :(

Laura's Here :)

Here are some pictures that have been taken since Laura came a few weeks ago :)

Room To Grow

I was talking with Philipp last night and he asked me if I was uncomfortable with him spending time with other women. I didn't really want to answer the question because I didn't want him to know that I felt insecure about it. I always want to come across as confident and care-free, so if I told him the truth (that it did bring up negative emotions within me) he'd know that I wasn't as confident and care-free as I'd like to appear to be. However, never being one to be able to pull off deception, I decided to tell him that whenever he talked about spending time with other women it made me cringe inside. I said I would never tell him not to spend time with his female friends because of my own insecurity, and that it wasn't because I didn't trust him, but more because of how past experiences have affected me. Now he's about to reply to what I had just said, and I'm expecting him to say something related to (a) me having nothing to worry about, (b) the need for me to get over it, or (c) me being foolish/wrong/bad for feeling that way. Instead he asks me how HE can help me deal with it. I was so blown away that he would come at the issue from that angle that I started to laugh! It was all I could do. I couldn't speak, but my amazement had to come out somehow. It truly was amazing. Instead of stuffing it deep down inside in order to hide it from him (which would end up keeping me from dealing with it because I'd be too busy trying to hide it), I'm free to deal with it and get it out of the way. This is what I value the most about Philipp. He treats me and my feelings with respect and care, while at the same time encouraging me to grow. I certainly hope that I do the same for him.

Some Stuff

I stood by helplessly as I double-booked myself for the second time this week. This is a sign of some sort.

I've got a really crazy weekend ahead of me, and I'm somewhat intimidated by it. However, it should be good.

I miss him. I miss him a lot. Now he isn't coming back until Monday. Makes me feel like he's a faint idea of a person I may never really see or know again.

I'm wearing earrings that are so cool they say "I'm so cool it hurts." They are. They do.

Philipp and Me :)

Here's a picture of Philipp and I that I think is great :) Philipp looks so silly :) I like it so much that I have to post it here :)

Lost

I think I've lost sight of what I'm living for. I feel like I've traded in the big picture for a look through a microscope, and I'm getting caught up in the little things that are so fast and furious, and I can't see past them. What really matters in life? What am I living for? What am I focusing on? What should I care about and what should I just let go of? These are the questions that have decided to storm my mind's castle without warning. There's nothing wrong with that though. It's good to entertain those questions every once in a while to make sure you're still on the right road. Otherwise you'll end up in the parking lot of the Wal-Mart of life and wonder how you managed to end up there.

Nothing In Particular

I just felt like writing something here because the other blogs I've been reading haven't had much to say today. I don't really have anything to say in particular. I'm looking forward to doing nothing this evening. I always feel busy, and that seems weird to me. Life wasn't always this hectic. At the same time, if I didn't have stuff to do I'd be bored, so it makes me feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. Maybe I'm just being hard to please. I don't want to be busy, but I don't want to be bored either. There must be a happy medium I can find. However, the main reason why I'm so busy all the time is I'm out doing stuff with my friends and family, so perhaps I should feel blessed more than anything. I could be lonely with no one to care for me! That would be much worse. Anyway, this evening I'm just going to stay at home and relax and perhaps watch a movie with my friend. That is all :)

Craziness

I feel like my life is a tornado and I'm spinning in the middle of it. Things have been crazy, new, and somewhat stressful lately, even though I've also been having fun. Sometimes when I'm in this sort of place I feel lonely even though I'm surrounded by people. I guess it's because people ask of me or let me down, and during times like this I don't have the energy or emotional strength to give or to just shrug it off when I'm disappointed, even if it's not that big of a deal. Sometimes in this place I feel like a little girl trying to shoulder everyone else's burdens, including my own, and I don't quite know how to deal with it in a way that I feel good about. Instead I just get kinda cranky and then feel guilty for it. Sigh. I guess it could be a whole lot worse, so I might as well smile and walk on. However, right now I just feel like crying, even though I'm not entirely sure why.

Students

Sometimes they can be such idiots and make my life miserable. Sometimes I can't believe I used to be one, and I hope I was never that stupid. No offense to my friends who are currently students. You aren't stupid like all the other students I don't know. I'm quite angry and just venting right now. That is all.

Intellect

Have you ever felt you had no idea what you were doing, but had to do it anyway? I don't like that feeling very much. I'm the kind of person that only feels comfortable when having a substantial understanding of the situation(s) I find myself in. I guess this is where faith comes in. Sometimes I don't like how much I seem to depend on my intellect.

Still Here

I know I haven't posted in a really long time, but I am alive and I am doing well :) I've just delved once again into the world of "the relationship", and I'm finding myself totally immersed and sinking slowly. It feels good to let myself go and be wrapped up in it, but I find myself wrestling at times trying to understand what's happening. I think about it so much, I listen to it so much, I watch it so much. I really am immersed. However, it's the most interesting topic in the world to me, so why not? I really want to learn and grow and be the best piece of the puzzle I can be.

Jasper Pics

Here are some pics from a recent trip to Jasper that I took with my friend Nolan. Hope you enjoy them :) Oh, and by the way, I believe you can click on them for a larger version.

Self-esteem

I was talking to a couple of people today about my self-esteem and they said some very interesting things to me. They said that everyone has some sort of insecurity. So that made me realize the only real difference lies in whether or not they let others see what is really going on inside of them. That's where my transparency gets to me the most: I can't hide like everyone else. However, lately I've been learning that it's okay to be me and that I can't be anyone else, and I'm doing what I can to work out my issues with God. I don't think we ever make it, but have to work on ourselves for the rest of our lives, and we should be helping one another move forward. It's actually comforting to me to know that I'm improving as a person, even though it is so hard at times. Besides, being me isn't so bad :) I need to stop apologizing for who I am.

How could I not be afraid you would leave
When any words spoken regarding us where fragile
Unsure, balancing precariously on the edge
Never knowing when one shallow breath would see us fail
How could I not be afraid you would leave?

Jazz Night 2

So apparently there's no cover charge now. I'm confused. Oh well, please disregard the statement about a cover charge in my previous post.

In other Jazz Night news: I made my first plate of nachos tonight, and I must admit they were pretty good :)

Jazz Night

I just wanted to let everyone know about Monday Night Jazz at my church. It's Monday nights (obviously) at 9pm till midnight. I believe there is a $3 cover charge. I went last week and really enjoyed it, so if anyone likes live jazz they should come check it out. My church is called The Canopy and the address is 6005 Gateway Blvd., in the basement of the CKER radio station building.

I Don't Know What It's Like

I just had a strange realization. I don't know what a healthy relationship is like because I don't think I've ever been in one. Odd. However, it's an exciting prospect to know that a relationship can be so refreshingly different than what I have experienced so far in my life.

What Is Love?

I was recently asked what it meant to me to be in love, what love was for me. I had a really hard time in the moment trying to verbalize my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I regret that, so here is another attempt at expressing my views and feelings on what love is for me. This may seem a little scatter-brained, but I wrote it down as the thoughts came to me. Obviously I don't know it all, so this could change. Some things may be added, some things may be taken away. That's what happens in life. You experience things, you learn, you change, things change. Anyway, enough with the preamble. Here it is:

- When I love someone, I want to be with them and be there for them. I also want them to be there for me.
- I want to help them achieve their goals and dreams, and have them help me achieve mine.
_ I want to share everything with them, even the smallest details of my life.
- I am committed to them (all of them) and I respect them for who they are.
- I see the best in them. I see how good they are and how good they will be.
- I care about them regardless of their faults and issues (everyone has them) because I know they are human and I love that. There is enough good in them to overshadow the bad. Not that I ignore those things; I am aware of them, and sometimes you have to let go because of those things. However, I love them in their humanity.
- I can see a future with them that is good, and can see myself being with them for the rest of my life and being able to admit to and commit to that.
- I may get angry or upset with them, but in the midst of that the respect, committment, and acknowledgement of love still remain.
- I am attracted to them: to their looks, their personality, their character, their morals and beliefs.
- I put them first (which I consider to be a good thing, even if society says it's not).
- They mean more to me than anyone else.
- My life is more with them than without, and when they're gone there's a hole left in my heart where they used to be.

To me love has it all: both feeling and choice. Sometimes the feeling may be overshadowed by circumstance, but I don't think it remains hidden forever. I think it's always there, and I think it's important to nurture that in a relationship. Love is also a choice, a decision you make to give yourself to someone else and to work on a relationship that can be really hard at times. But oh, how it is worth it! I dream of a relationship built on God's sure foundation, a relationship based on love, respect, trust, and devotion. A relationship in which both people give themselves fully to one another and become so much more. Some may say that I'm overly optimistic or foolish to have the hope I have regarding relationships, but for me it's just trusting that what God says is true, and that with Him all things are possible. I understand that it will be hard at times and will require work, but really, anything that's worth anything requires effort.

Love needs to be acknowledged. One has to be willing to risk being in love, even though it can be so scary sometimes, because once you get to that point of giving your heart it's too late to save yourself from pain. But what is life worth if we spend all of our time running from pain, afraid of being hurt and afraid of failure?

Tomatoes

So this evening I almost lost it over a tomato. I was having supper with my sister and was eating a clubhouse sandwich when a slice of tomato fell out and landed on my pants. It made quite the mess on my pants, and I started to lose it. Normally something like that wouldn't get to me so much, but I almost started to cry in the restaurant! I'm starting to get worried about myself and my state of mind.

I Open My Mouth, But Nothing Comes Out

I want to say something right now, but I have no idea what to say. I don't want to go on and on about the facts of what's happening in my life right now, because honestly it bores me. Things are great, except for the part of my life that matters most to me - apart from God, of course. However, that's all I care to say about that right now. Things are good, but not interesting enough for me to talk about. Maybe I've talked about it too much already, and that's why it bores me. Anyway, this post seems like a waste of time, so I'll end it here.

My Trip To Texas

Here are some pictures from my trip to Texas. It was a short, busy trip, but I had a really good time and I'm looking forward to going down to Texas again sometime. There are a ton of things that we didn't have time to do that are really important, like visiting the Dr. Pepper museum :) The wedding was really nice and the groom and his family are fantastic :)

Me 2 

Heather, Aaron, and relatives 

Heather, Aaron, and Santos family 

Heather, Me, and Aaron 

Heather and Aaron 2 

Heather 

Aaron and Heather 

Me :) 

Me and Sarah 

Sarah, Me, and Heather 

Heather and Me 

Gifts and Materialism

Lately I've been having some strange conversations about giving gifts. To me giving gifts is a way to express my love and consideration for others, and I get a great deal of joy out of giving them. However, someone has told me that they don't necessarily agree with giving gifts (the occasion at the moment is a birthday) because they feel it may promote materialism. So I'm just wondering how others feel about it because I'm having a hard time wrapping my mind around someone not wanting to give gifts, unless they couldn't afford it of course. I've been in that position where I couldn't afford to buy a present and didn't have the time to come up with something creative yet cheap, but I wouldn't say that I didn't want to get someone a gift for fear of promoting materialism. I don't think giving gifts is necessarily tied to that. It definitely can be, but not necessarily. To me a gift lets someone know that you care about them and are thinking of them. Those are my thoughts at any rate.

I'm Too Old For This

My life has been crazy busy lately. Here's what I've been up to: driver training. It's ok; I'm thankful for the opportunity to take it. However, it's a bit too much like high school for me. The class structure seems to be tailored to high school students that need to be babysat in order to learn. Ever since I've started going to the classes I've found myself repeating my actual age to myself over and over again to remind myself that I am actually an adult, even if I'm not being treated like one :P Oh well, only 3 more classes to go :)

I Met Myself The Other Day

So I had this really weird dream a few nights ago. I dreamt that I met up with myself when I was somewhere between 6 and 8 years old. My younger self was asking me what I was doing in my life, but I didn't want to ruin the surprise, so I said it was good and that she'd be fine. Then I thought to myself that I'd better tell her to keep the faith; so I went up to her and knelt down, held her by the shoulders, and looked deep into her eyes. I told her that no matter what happens, hang on to God because He was going to get her through a lot of crazy stuff.

I've never had a dream like that before, so it was pretty weird, and I can't seem to get it out of my head for some reason. I don't really know what it means, but it's pretty interesting regardless :)

Don't Laugh At My Pain

I hate it when someone laughs at something that is painful for me. Even though whatever it is may seem trivial, it hurts me and I don't like it when people disregard that. If I make myself vulnerable with someone and they belittle my feelings, I'm less likely to open up in the future. I don't usually start out in a relationship with very many walls, but sometimes I start putting them up when things like this happen. I just feel the need to get that off my chest. I don't really have much more to say about it.

Simple Things Amuse Complex Minds

I find I am easily put into a state of awe when I contemplate various things created by man and by God. Sometimes my musings are met with strange looks that make me realize not everyone experiences as much joy and wonder in some of the "smaller" things in life. Are these things so small though? Are they insignificant just because not everyone sees the significance in them? Are they significant simply because I find significance in them? I think we'd be better off if more people had a greater appreciation for the wonder that is found both in their own backyard and in the heavens. Some days that applies to me as well.

The Written Word

I came to realize a couple of days ago that I really miss reading. I hadn't read a book in a while, and so I decided to pick one up. I'm really enjoying it. I didn't realize how much I thrive on being intellectually stimulated. I also had the thought that perhaps I'm a much more interesting person when I'm reading good books. Because of this I have also gained a better appreciation for some lyrics in the Kings of Convenience song titled "I'd Rather Dance With You." There's a line that says "Even if I could hear what you said, I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear because I haven't read a single book all year...." Before my epiphany I wasn't quite sure I could relate to what they were trying to say, but now I think I can.

*Sigh*

I miss him already. A day has barely gone by and I feel like my insides could be ripped out at any moment, leaving me dysfunctional and laying helpless on the ground. What is wrong with me? Is this normal? I wasn't expecting this, and now I have 2 weeks and 6 days left to go. Sigh.

The Boy

It feels like it's time to say something about the new man in my life, Philipp. I've been hesitant to do so for fear that it might affect the relationship negatively somehow. Or maybe I just don't want to have too many of his fingerprints in my life in case it doesn't work out. At least that was my initial attitude, which I think is a fairly sensible one at the beginning of a relationship with mostly unknowns. Now I find myself more comfortable with the relationship and his fingerprints. I'm not sure why; the relationship is still very new.

After much preamble, what exactly am I going to say? I feel like I want to keep him and everything about him close to me, not even letting it leave my fingertips. I will say a few things though. I appreciate his affectionate nature very much, and I don't mean that in a sexual way. He likes to hug and hold hands and things of that nature. It means a lot to me because physical touch is the mode by which I understand love the most, and I've never been with anyone who appreciates it as much as I do. I've come to realize how important it is for me, and I feel so blessed to have a man in my life right now who fulfills that need. I'm also very impressed with his level of integrity and desire for holiness. It's something that is very important to me that I unfortunately put on a shelf in past relationships. He is placing importance on it in our relationship, which I really respect. I also respect him for where he is in life with regard to his career and providing for himself. Now on to superficialities (I don't know if that's a word, but I like it and I believe it sufficiently conveys what I'm trying to communicate :) . I find him very attractive. He is very handsome and also very confident. He dresses really well, which I'm also not all that used to, but appreciate VERY much. What else can I say? He's older than me, Christian, a good singer (he leads worship at his church), and a good cook. There are so many good things about him, and sometimes I'm left wondering why he's with me exactly. I mean, I know I'm a good person, but I'm wondering what he's attracted to specifically. I was thinking about it the other day and I couldn't quite figure it out. Perhaps if I really want to know I should ask :)

Exhausted With An Explosive To The Brain

Once again I'm starting my post with "it's been too long since I've posted here." Life is pretty hectic for me right now, and it's starting to get exhausting. I've been enjoying it because it is a much better alternative to being bored, but it's becoming a bit too much. I find myself wishing I could stay home and do nothing for a while. I think I just need a break to rest and organize my inner self. I'm hoping to do that in the next couple of weeks or so. I'm not sure if it will happen; in fact history would suggest that it won't.

Today God totally blew my mind. He reminded me of just how awesome and holy He truly is. I had this amazing experience of forgiveness and reconciliation that I never thought was really possible. I would think about it and wonder if it was a possibility, but in all honesty it remained in the category of "dreams and nice ideas." However, today I experienced it for myself, and now no one can tell me that it isn't possible. God doesn't just restore, He improves :)

Black and White

It's been a while since I've put anything up on my blog, so I figured I needed to say something. I guess it's a good thing because the reason I haven't put anything up is I've been too busy enjoying myself, others, music, various activities, and life in general :) I don't really know what to say. I find myself in a dilemna because, sure, a lot is going on, but I'm becoming less and less willing to reveal myself to others. I used to be the kind of person that completely revealed myself to anyone who desired to see inside of me and my world, but that is becoming less and less descriptive of myself. I'm still fairly open, but the hesitation is getting longer as the days go by. I find myself not wanting to open up too much for fear of letting pain in somehow. I don't really want everyone to know where I am or how I'm feeling. Of course I still have those who are close enough who I do talk to about everything and anything, but that group is becoming more exclusive. Part of me mourns this, but a part of me feels it is a wiser way to live, especially as I get older and go through more. I suppose before it may have been easier to reveal everything about myself because there wasn't necessarily that much to reveal, and therefore there was little risk. Now it seems riskier. So what am I mourning? The loss of innocence? Perhaps. But I don't feel like less of a person for it. I actually feel better, wiser, more mature. Things make more sense, even though things are no longer black and white. I think that's because I feel like I'm in transition; from black and white, through the gray, and maybe someday back to black and white, although I'm sure that black and white will look much different than the black and white I used to live in.