Jasper Pics

Here are some pics from a recent trip to Jasper that I took with my friend Nolan. Hope you enjoy them :) Oh, and by the way, I believe you can click on them for a larger version.

Self-esteem

I was talking to a couple of people today about my self-esteem and they said some very interesting things to me. They said that everyone has some sort of insecurity. So that made me realize the only real difference lies in whether or not they let others see what is really going on inside of them. That's where my transparency gets to me the most: I can't hide like everyone else. However, lately I've been learning that it's okay to be me and that I can't be anyone else, and I'm doing what I can to work out my issues with God. I don't think we ever make it, but have to work on ourselves for the rest of our lives, and we should be helping one another move forward. It's actually comforting to me to know that I'm improving as a person, even though it is so hard at times. Besides, being me isn't so bad :) I need to stop apologizing for who I am.

How could I not be afraid you would leave
When any words spoken regarding us where fragile
Unsure, balancing precariously on the edge
Never knowing when one shallow breath would see us fail
How could I not be afraid you would leave?

Jazz Night 2

So apparently there's no cover charge now. I'm confused. Oh well, please disregard the statement about a cover charge in my previous post.

In other Jazz Night news: I made my first plate of nachos tonight, and I must admit they were pretty good :)

Jazz Night

I just wanted to let everyone know about Monday Night Jazz at my church. It's Monday nights (obviously) at 9pm till midnight. I believe there is a $3 cover charge. I went last week and really enjoyed it, so if anyone likes live jazz they should come check it out. My church is called The Canopy and the address is 6005 Gateway Blvd., in the basement of the CKER radio station building.

I Don't Know What It's Like

I just had a strange realization. I don't know what a healthy relationship is like because I don't think I've ever been in one. Odd. However, it's an exciting prospect to know that a relationship can be so refreshingly different than what I have experienced so far in my life.

What Is Love?

I was recently asked what it meant to me to be in love, what love was for me. I had a really hard time in the moment trying to verbalize my thoughts and feelings on the subject. I regret that, so here is another attempt at expressing my views and feelings on what love is for me. This may seem a little scatter-brained, but I wrote it down as the thoughts came to me. Obviously I don't know it all, so this could change. Some things may be added, some things may be taken away. That's what happens in life. You experience things, you learn, you change, things change. Anyway, enough with the preamble. Here it is:

- When I love someone, I want to be with them and be there for them. I also want them to be there for me.
- I want to help them achieve their goals and dreams, and have them help me achieve mine.
_ I want to share everything with them, even the smallest details of my life.
- I am committed to them (all of them) and I respect them for who they are.
- I see the best in them. I see how good they are and how good they will be.
- I care about them regardless of their faults and issues (everyone has them) because I know they are human and I love that. There is enough good in them to overshadow the bad. Not that I ignore those things; I am aware of them, and sometimes you have to let go because of those things. However, I love them in their humanity.
- I can see a future with them that is good, and can see myself being with them for the rest of my life and being able to admit to and commit to that.
- I may get angry or upset with them, but in the midst of that the respect, committment, and acknowledgement of love still remain.
- I am attracted to them: to their looks, their personality, their character, their morals and beliefs.
- I put them first (which I consider to be a good thing, even if society says it's not).
- They mean more to me than anyone else.
- My life is more with them than without, and when they're gone there's a hole left in my heart where they used to be.

To me love has it all: both feeling and choice. Sometimes the feeling may be overshadowed by circumstance, but I don't think it remains hidden forever. I think it's always there, and I think it's important to nurture that in a relationship. Love is also a choice, a decision you make to give yourself to someone else and to work on a relationship that can be really hard at times. But oh, how it is worth it! I dream of a relationship built on God's sure foundation, a relationship based on love, respect, trust, and devotion. A relationship in which both people give themselves fully to one another and become so much more. Some may say that I'm overly optimistic or foolish to have the hope I have regarding relationships, but for me it's just trusting that what God says is true, and that with Him all things are possible. I understand that it will be hard at times and will require work, but really, anything that's worth anything requires effort.

Love needs to be acknowledged. One has to be willing to risk being in love, even though it can be so scary sometimes, because once you get to that point of giving your heart it's too late to save yourself from pain. But what is life worth if we spend all of our time running from pain, afraid of being hurt and afraid of failure?

Tomatoes

So this evening I almost lost it over a tomato. I was having supper with my sister and was eating a clubhouse sandwich when a slice of tomato fell out and landed on my pants. It made quite the mess on my pants, and I started to lose it. Normally something like that wouldn't get to me so much, but I almost started to cry in the restaurant! I'm starting to get worried about myself and my state of mind.