Why Is My Vision Blurred?

I had an interesting conversation with a friend this evening. I don't remember how it came up, but we started discussing my perception of myself. Once again I encountered someone who saw me much differently than I saw myself. This is starting to get to me, but I'm sure it's a good thing that it is. I generally don't view myself as highly as others do, and I'm starting to think that I may have it all wrong. I mean, maybe I am good enough. Maybe I am a really good person. Maybe I can like myself, even love myself. The question now is: How do I do that? How do I change the way I've viewed myself for as long as I can remember? I've struggled with this for a long time, so the thought of tackling it once again is somewhat intimidating, but I think it's necessary. I think I sell myself short a lot of the time because I don't think I'm good enough, and because of that I'm probably missing opportunities, the thought of which makes me want to scream. I mean, this is speculation of course, but perhaps all of my procrastination on my goals and dreams over the years has been due to my perception that I'm not good enough, so why would I try? Why not jump off the cliff, fall off the edge, cross the line, and do something I've always wanted to do? I may have some failures, but hey, that's better than doing nothing at all. I guess I feel that if I don't try then I won't fail. Someone said that to me a few days ago about themselves, and I think it's quite possible that a lot of us do that. But something tells me that we are all capable of so much more if we would just muster up the courage, determination, and work ethic to do something different, something that goes against the tide of the fearful masses. Of course I could be crazy, but this outlook is much more interesting and much more promising than the alternative(s).

As a side note, here are some lyrics from a song that are probably the stupidest I've ever heard, that are obviously written in a desperate attempt to rhyme: "We're ok so hey don't worry now, oh wow". Aaaarrrgghhhh!!!!!!!!!! That's painful! Seriously, it makes me want to hurt myself. What song is it? I don't know and I don't care.

Quiet Summer Nights At The Beach

I love the ocean. It was such a big part of my life growing up, but of course I didn't realize it until I moved away. Now, when I dream of the place I long to be, the place I'd love to go with those I care about the most, it's always the ocean. Whenever I think of ways of revealing more of myself to someone, I always think I'd love to take them to the ocean, because it's a part of me. I know that sounds a bit cheesy, but it's true. I feel so connected to the ocean and the life in it. The best part of my trip to California was when we hit the ocean. I felt, even if just for a moment, that I had a piece of myself returned to me. The quiet times that I spent alone in Newfoundland, with my thoughts and with God, were always at my uncle's wharf at the beach. Even now, I return there frequently in my mind. Some of my favourite memories are of warm summer nights at the beach, gazing at the moon in the cloudless sky as it deposited sparkling gems on the quiet water. I don't know if anything else could touch me quite like that did. It was a place, an atmosphere, that had the ability to calm me like nothing else could. It had the ability to walk me through all the corners of my mind without it wandering off on useless trails. For some reason it enabled me to focus. There is a really deep place within me that longs for, and resonates with, the ocean. I love it. I love its power. I love its majesty. I love its mystery. And I love that there is still something in this world that I am absolutely passionate about, and feel organically connected to. It pleases me very much.

The Vacuum Of My Heart

You know how it feels when someone leaves. They've been a wonderful part of your life. They make you laugh, they're interested in you and what you have to say. They make the days so much better. And then they're just gone, like they don't exist in your world anymore. Now they are out of your life when they were such a regular part of it before. And that's when the vacuum begins inside. In your heart you feel like something is being sucked out of you, some part of your heart that so longs to be with that person that it's trying to leave you and be with them. The person doesn't have to be a lover to make you feel this way. Friends, family, co-workers. They can all have that sort of effect on you. And so my friend and partner in crime (I mean co-worker......), Sonia, left today. She's gone to India. She's no longer working in the lab with me :( And so even though she just left 15 minutes ago, I miss her already. The vacuum of my heart has already begun. She was so much fun and had so much energy and life. I'm going to miss her a lot.

Dancing Queen

You know, when I was 17 I thought that song could very well be about me :) Well, I'm not 17 anymore, but I still love to dance. It's one of my favourite things to do. If I'm bored at home I'll just crank up the music and dance :) There's something about me that I just can't ignore a good beat. My body's gotta move :) It's funny, because I couldn't dance to save my life when I lived in Newfoundland. But something happened to me when I moved to Alberta, and now I can keep a beat at the very least. I would say I'm alright at dancing, although sometimes I feel like I'm so used to dancing on my own that I'm not so good at dancing with someone else. Of course, it's a different story if we're talking ballroom dancing or something of that nature. If I'm dancing with someone who is really good, then I look like I'm good too. That's the beauty of dancing for women. Most of the pressure is on the man. I like that :) Of course, when you're just dancing in a club then that's not necessarily the case, and I'm not so good at that. It's kinda like one of those "I work alone" things, but I don't want to work alone. Anyway, I just felt like writing about dancing :) Of course, if I'm writing about dancing then I'm not dancing, so I'll end this here and go get my groove on :P

My Shallow Side

I feel it's time to express my more shallow, yet still very important, side. Today I would like to discuss hair. Yes, hair. Hair actually got quite a bit of attention in my life today. It started this morning when I was trying to get my hair to reach my level of "acceptable to be seen in public", which I find I am rarely satisfied in achieving because I can be a bit of a perfectionist. Of course, as always, I ran out of time and had to take it the way it was. Then, on the way home on the LRT, a woman came up to me and asked me where I got my hair done. After I told her I get it done at Swizzlesticks (perhaps I should get paid for this blatant advertising......probably not) she said she has thought multiple times about asking me that, but had just gotten up the nerve to do so. Apparantly she thinks my hair looks really good. So I started to wonder who's perception of my hair was more accurate, hers or mine? Does it look better than I think it does, or is there a flaw in her taste in hair? I haven't come to any conclusions on that one. Then I get home and my roommate's hair looked different, so I commented on it saying I liked it (which I did - I don't give compliments unless I mean them). But apparantly the outcome of her hair was the result of the least amount of effort. So my roommate and her friend began to discuss how they usually get compliments on their hair when they decide to leave it messy and put no effort in whatsoever. I find that interesting........ironic in a way. It's reminiscent of all the times I've said my hair looks better when my head is upside down, which isn't particularly useful. So while I was thinking about what I wanted to do this evening, I decided to try curling my hair. For some reason I never think about the fact that, for me, trying to use a curling iron is like a battle and I always lose. I don't think about it until it is much too late. So now I'm looking at my "finger-in-socket" hair and I am actually grateful that I don't have plans to go out this evening.

I can't believe I just wrote that much about hair.....

Alone With An Illusion

Sometimes I feel embarrassed to write about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking if it isn't all sunshine and flowers, or philosophical purely for the sake of being philosophical. I feel like there might be something wrong with me if I'm feeling down or insecure. I feel like people will think less of me or want to avoid me and my little cloud of gray. But why should I pretend? Why should I bother acting like everything is ok? I've never been that good at faking it anyway.

I think I should stop watching romantic movies because I only end up feeling depressed and lonely afterwards. I think to myself that it's impossible to have something like that in my life. Then I start to think that perhaps it's just love in the movies that's impossible, that movie romance doesn't reflect real life, just the life we long to live sometimes. But that is still depressing because then it's just a fantasy, but it's a fantasy nonetheless. It's still something we desire, and yet are incapable of. How sad is that? Why can't we love each other like that? Has anyone experienced love like that anywhere at any point in time?

But perhaps it doesn't mean anything anyway. Maybe romance is overrated, because we are capable of being romantic one moment and then betraying one another the next. I know that sounds really cynical, and perhaps that's my pain talking. Perhaps my wounds aren't as healed as I thought they were. And maybe I'm letting them fester instead of cleansing and bandaging them. Maybe I'm letting the dirt get in and it's causing the wound to become infected and reopen, and therefore never given the opportunity to heal. Maybe hope is reaching its hand out to me, but I won't take it.

Maybe I'm so bored with my life right now that I would rather be entertained with negative emotions than be stuck with no emotions at all. I think I'm starving for some sort of excitement. Of course it's my own fault if I find my life boring. I'm the one who has to do something about it. I guess I just like talking it all through. I find it therapeutic to get the negativity out of me somehow, usually by writing it out. Then I can look at it in black and white and realize (even if only for a moment) that the negativity isn't real, it isn't true, that there really is hope.

I know some people will find this frustrating, and that's ok, I understand that. I've found myself frustrated with people who don't seem to be able to get out from under their proverbial cloud of misery. And I'm not miserable. Just bored and lonely. And I am frustrated with myself. But I know it won't stay this way. I won't be left here to wither away. Even when I'm the one who is pushing myself down by believing lies, God still doesn't leave me. Even when it's my own fault, He picks me up, lifts me up, carries me away from the puddle of mud I find myself splashing around in. He won't leave me here, and I won't fight Him and His love forever. Life must go on, and I must go on with Him. But maybe for tonight I'll keep dreaming of love, even if it does make me feel sad.

Breakin' A Sweat With My Mental Workout

Have you ever had times when your mind seemed like it was on overdrive? I've been having so many thoughts about so many things lately. None of them seem to go too deep because by the time I think one thing, I'm already moving on to the next thought. For instance, today I wondered if the kind of man that I dream of and am interested in would love my brand of human. I feel like I'm a bit on the crazy side, young at heart, a smalltown girl. So sometimes I don't feel sophisticated enough for the kind of man I think I'd like to have. Sometimes I feel too "cute". Of course I try to suffocate those thoughts with thoughts of God's promise to provide.

Yesterday I wondered if I was screwing up my life. I feel sometimes that I don't treat others well enough, and I think you are screwing up your life the most if you screw up your relationships. I find there are so many people in my life that I want to give of myself to, but sometimes I feel I'm spread pretty thin. I can't just start dumping people to change that though. Perhaps I can do better.

I've also been thinking about what I'm living for. What is the purpose of me being on this earth? What am I doing here? When my life is over and I look back on it, will I feel like I actually made a difference, or will I feel like I just existed and took up space? I feel like there's so much out there for me if I could just connect with God. I don't feel close enough to Him. I seem to have a constant need to go deeper. I'm starving for our relationship to go deeper. There's nothing more painful to me than feeling distant from God. But there is a part of me that knows an intimate relationship with Him is waiting for me if I would drink from the cup. Will I?

Hand Me Down

I remember the first time I heard this song. It was about 2 yrs. ago. But even to this day I feel like it's talking about me. I really relate to this song. I suppose I always will.

Hand Me Down
(Matchbox Twenty)

Someday they'll find your small town world
On a big town avenue
Gonna make you like the way they talk
When they're talkin' to you
Gonna make you break out of your shell
Cause they tell you to
Gonna make you like the way they lie
Better than the truth
They'll tell you everything you wanted someone else to say
They're gonna break your heart

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

Somebody outta take you in
Try to make you love again
Try to make you like the way they feel
When they're under your skin
Never once do you think that they would lie
When they're holding you
Then you wonder why they haven't called
When they said they'd call you
You start to wonder if you're ever gonna make it by
You start to think you were born blind

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now

I'm here for the hard times
The straight to your heart times
When livin' ain't easy
You can stand up against Me
And maybe rely on Me
And cry on Me

Someday they'll open up your world
Shake it down to the drawing board
Do their best to change you
They still can't erase you

From what I've seen
You're just one more hand me down
Cause no one's tried to give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
I am with you now
Lay them down on Me
You're just one more hand me down
And all those nights don't give you what you need
So lay all your troubles down
On Me

I've capitalized the "Me"s because I always listen to this song like God is singing to me. When I listen to this song I think about what it was like for me to move from a small town in Newfoundland to the city. I think about some of the relationships I've had since I've been up here that haven't been as honest or trustworthy as I thought they were. I think about how much I've changed. Even though a lot of the change has been good, I feel like I've lost some of my innocence. I think about how much my world was shaken, and how I am still alive after it all. I think about how I wish someone could make me love again. And through it all God is here for me saying "lean on Me, lay your troubles down on Me". That is so comforting.

Humiliation: Up Close And Personal

Have you ever come close to doing something very embarrasing? I have, and I had this close encounter with embarrassment very recently. Have you ever almost asked a 39-yr old married man with 3 kids out for coffee? I have, and I almost did this very recently. In fact, these 2 events are one in the same. Isn't that crazy? I thought he was single (he wasn't wearing a ring), and I had no idea he was that old. I mean, I figured early 30s, but 39? But, the truth of the matter is, he is so nice and so attractive that his age doesn't bother me. Unfortunately, I couldn't quite get past his marital status and the 3 kids thing. I also thought he was interested in me, but it appears I had misinterpreted his behaviour. So, I almost totally embarrassed myself, but thankfully those valuable pieces of information were divulged before I had gotten up the nerve to do so. I don't really regret it though. At least I'm not going to go through the rest of my life wondering what could have been. And now I can be proud of myself for being willing to go out on a limb like that. Plus, it has been kinda fun and it makes for a great story :)

The B-Day

I've been kinda avoiding talking about this, but I feel pulled to do so. I feel like I can't just ignore it like it never happened, but at the same time I feel like this is shameless advertisement. But after some thought I realized it wouldn't stop bothering me until I went through the cathartic process of writing about it, so here it is. I find birthdays are a funny thing. At least they are now to me. Growing up, my birthday was always quite anticipated because of all the gifts I'd be getting. Admit it, it was like that for you too :) I'm sure I went around letting everyone know it was my birthday. But now it's different. This year I've been very hesitant to tell anyone it's my birthday unless they ask me. I like getting gifts, and I am always so blessed when people give to me, but I honestly don't care if I get any. At least I care less about getting gifts than about people feeling obligated to give me something because I've just informed them that it's my b-day. I never want anyone to feel obligated, pressured, or burdened with "having" to get me a present. But I like the idea of people knowing when my b-day is. Just having someone know it's my b-day and saying a simple "happy b-day" means a lot to me for some reason. I guess I just really want to be known, and it seems to be that you have to be close to someone before they'll even remember your b-day, let alone know when it is in the first place. Anyway, I am thankful to the Lord for giving me life, even if no one knows that today was the anniversary of that amazing gift from Him to me. I think this is part of the process of taking the focus off of myself and putting it on those around me. It has to do with appreciating what I have been given, especially those intangibles, as opposed to wanting material gain whenever possible. Because, really, I'm not sad that very few people knew it was my b-day. In fact, I am so blessed by all the people in my life. So I'm a year older and life is so much better now than it was a year ago :)

Things Are Not Always What They Seem

This may look like a normal picture of me with a flower in my hair, but that is not the case. It's actually a picture of me with a part of an orange peel in my hair. Funny how we take for granted what we experience as fitting into our cognitive molds. But things are not always what they seem. I'm finding that out more and more as every day goes by. I think I know people, I think I know how things are supposed to go, how things will go, but I'm finding out I'm wrong. I keep asking myself when things will become normal again, but I'm wondering if I even know what "normal" is. Is normal to me what I've perceived so far in my lifetime? Who's to say that what I have perceived is even reality? I'm more likely to lean toward my perception not necessarily being equal to reality, especially when I consider the spiritual realm. I find I live very much in the natural realm, but I think the spiritual realm is more real than the natural, and that the spiritual realm actually dictates the natural realm. So even in that sense my perception isn't necessarily reality. I try and understand what's going on in my life and I find myself with my guard up in order to avoid being deceived because I realize I don't fully know or understand what is really going on. But there is one thing that comforts me in all of this. It's God. I know He's taking care of me. I know He's here for me. I know He knows what's going on. I just lean up against His chest, close my eyes, and drink Him in as He tells me I need not be afraid because He will never leave me nor forsake me. And I am comforted for in Him I have found reality, I have found truth.

Dippin' Dots: Ice Cream Of The Future

This was at McDonalds in Portland on the way back to Canada. We stopped for a little breakfast snack when I saw this sign and was immediately intrigued. To me it looked like ice cream for astronauts :) It was such a foreign concept to me that I had to give it a try. It's like little balls of ice cream, but somehow it doesn't melt right away even though it's cold. I had dropped some on my shirt and had plenty of time to pick it up with my fingers and put it in my mouth before it melted. Thinking about that afterwards made me wonder what on earth they could have put in there to make this a possibility.

What To Say

I feel like I have a lot to say, but no words with which to say it. Have you ever had that? I'm having a hard time verbalizing what I'm feeling inside. Well, I'll give it a shot anyway. I'm feeling very hopeful about relationships once again, in particular romantic relationships. Now that isn't because I've got something romantic going on in my life, because I don't. But I think God is healing my heart and reminding me of the joy that comes with having a special someone in one's life. I had forgotten about that. I feel like I'm ready once again for a relationship, but I'm not being proactive about it, nor do I plan to be. I'm happy with being me again and having an infectious quality of joy, a contagious laugh, an almost permanent smile on my face. I don't need to worry about finding someone to be with because I'm surrounded by wonderful people. But once the opportunity arises, I do believe I am ready for it, and looking forward to it :) God really is good to me :) I know I say that a lot, but I mean it just as much every time.

Today has been interesting. I spent a couple of hours outside in the cold and snow helping hand out brochures. I got really wet and really cold, and we didn't finish, but I still consider it to have been a good experience. I always value the times in my life when I get off my lazy backside and do something for someone else. Then I came home and had a couple of good conversations with some good friends before plopping down in front of my computer to check out the social scene online. While I was reading up on what other people have been saying I stumbled across a link to another blog by someone I don't know. But I was fascinated by what I read. It was the basic story of this person's faith, it's ups and downs, and they were completely honest with their experience. I guess what was so interesting to me was that even though I didn't agree with everything they had come to conclusions about, I found myself appreciating their "realness". They weren't trying to sugar coat anything or convince anyone to share their faith. They didn't make excuses or try to come up with reasons for why things have been the way they have been. They had seen what true Christianity looks like and desired to live that life. And, most importantly, after all was said and done they chose to have faith in God. They chose to be faithful. They chose to give their life understanding that it wasn't always going to be about feelings, but it would always be about the choice. I was very impressed with that.

He Called!

I was pleasantly surprised :) I guess I need not feel cynical about this anymore :) It was quite hilarious because he called probably around 1/2 hr after I put up the post. Then he actually came over to give me the pictures from our trip (this is one of them :) This is going much better than anticipated :) I've got a new friend, and the best part about it is I feel so comfortable around him. I can really be myself, as crazy as that might be :) God is good :)

Will He Call?

I just returned from a week long trip to California a couple of days ago. I went with a friend of mine and we became pretty close, being joined at the hip and all. But now that we're back to our normal lives, I haven't seen him or talked to him. Both of us did say that we feel we've gained a good friend in one another, and he did say that he would call me, but there's a part of me that thinks he won't. Now, don't get me wrong, this has nothing to do with anything romantic. This is completely platonic. But I have grown to care for him very much and I value his friendship. I'm just at a loss as to where it's going to go from here. In all honesty, I'd be more surprised if our friendship ended up growing and becoming stronger than if not, and that has nothing to do with him. He's never given me a reason to think this, but it seems experience would dictate that we won't end up spending much time together, we'll drift apart, and the only thread we'll ever have is the trip. That is somewhat disturbing to me. What has happened that makes me assume the worst instead of the best? I'm not saying I don't have good, close friendships. I guess I'm just lamenting over the fact that my natural response to this situation is to expect our friendship to fizzle out and die instead of grow stronger, and that I don't think I'm totally unjustified feeling that. I would really like to see us become close friends though. I guess we'll see how it goes. Worse case scenario, I could always pick up the phone and give him a call :)

Door Slammers

I have come to discover my extreme dislike for people who slam doors. Why would one do such a thing? How immature does one need to be in order to go around slamming doors in an infantile attempt to communicate? Door slamming really makes my blood pressure rise. I think my extreme distaste for the afformentioned was instilled in me as a child when I would be chastised by my mother for doing so. This makes me wonder if door slammers are never taught by their parents not to slam doors. Or maybe they are just very inept socially. At any rate, I wish people would stop slamming doors and speak english.

What Do These Things Have In Common?

Ok, so you may be wondering what God, Hot Wings, and Dr. Pepper have to do with one another. Well, I'm going to tell you :) They are all necessities in life, and yet they are also the finer things in life :) They are a few of my favourite things. God is definately the most important of the three, He is the very air that I breathe. I don't know if I could rank the other two. Both are very important to me :) Hot wings bring much needed spice to my life, and Dr. Pepper is so sweet :) I was introduced to hot wings by a friend of mine (Penny) at a Red Robin restaurant in my first year of university. My life has never been the same. I also discovered my love for Dr. Pepper in my first year of university, but how that happened isn't as clear to me. Perhaps that is because life before Dr. Pepper is meaningless so why remember it? :) Ha, ha!

Here I Am

I've been hearing and seeing a lot about this Blogger stuff lately, so I've decided to check it out for myself. When checking out the website I was told the best way to do this was to start my own, so that's what I'm doing. And I must admit I'm really enjoying myself :) This seems much easier than trying to keep up my own website, so I think I will convert. Hallelujah! I hear the angels singing :)

I'm at an interesting point in my life in that everything feels kinda new. I suppose that's what happens when you end a 3-yr relationship that was dragged kicking and screaming into 4-yrs. The good news is that I'm enjoying this invigorating sense of freedom and change. I would liken it to the freshness of an early morning in spring when there is dew on the ground and a hint of light in the sky. I'm not sure exactly how warm or how bright the day will be, but it's looking promising :) This is God's goodness to me :)