Well, today I learned a valuable lesson: I shouldn't try to figure everything out on my own with Google Search as my only tool. Things just aren't always as they seem. I'm actually relieved about that at this point.
I'm also starting to wonder if Chad is right about me. He says that I'm always looking for the next thing to focus my attention on, the next big thing to busy myself with. After the wedding was over and I didn't have to spend every waking moment thinking about it, he asked me what the next thing was that I would be working towards. At first I was kind of offended and said I was just going to relax and that I didn't always need to have something big on the go. Now I'm wondering if maybe it's true. After only a couple of months I started to get a little stir crazy and asking myself weird questions like "what is the point of my life?" and stuff like that. That's when it started to occur to me that maybe I did always need/want something to be working towards. I've checked marriage off my list, so what's next? I do the same thing with the small stuff too. Once I get one little project done, I'm quickly off to the next. Why am I so bad at relaxing? Why do I suck at living in the moment? Why do I always have to move on to the next thing? Do I think that once I get/achieve this next big thing then I'll feel better about myself, but once that doesn't happen I just move on to the next thing? I don't know. Maybe. Maybe it's not so bad to always be working towards something more or to be a better person. I guess it depends on my motivation. If I'm doing that only because I never feel good about myself the way I am now, then maybe that's not so good. However, if I accept myself for who I am now, but still reach for something more, maybe that's ok. I guess it still comes down to moderation. Even if I have the right motivation, I still need to take time to live in the moment and relax and focus my attention on those around me.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling on now.
